[Biggins]

Just three miles outside of the town, Stratford-Upon-Avon Hotel & Resort boasts 54 holes
of top quality golf and award winning* hotel and spa facilities.

"I know a golf course where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine.
There sleeps Biggins sometime of the night,
Lull’d in these flowers with whiskey and delight;
And there the wasp stings his bare arse skin,
Numbed from the pain by the evening sin:
And with the juice of this I’ll streak his eyes,
And make him full of hateful fantasies.
Take thou some of it, and seek through this grove:
A drunk English gentleman is in love
With a disdainful horse: anoint his eyes;
But do it when the next thing he espies
May be the Drunk: thou shalt know the golfer
By the golfing garments he hath on.
Effect it with some care, that he may prove
More fond of golf than she upon her love:
And look thou meet me ere the first **** crow."

No one can be sure, as he is dead now, but it is rumoured that Shakespeare had the
Stratford-Upon-Avon Hotel & Resort in mind when he penned those famous lines (he later
altered them and added them to Midsummer Night's Dream, but most experts agree that the
earlier version was better.) If he did write it about this place then he nailed it.  This
is a place where honeymooning couples, Japanese businessmen, drunken stag and hen dos,
celebrities and more all rub shoulders.  Indeed, whether it be Class A hedonism or tranquil
relaxing, The Stratford-Upon-Avon has it all and more.

The lobby boasts the biggest indoor sea-water aquarium in the world, the highlight of which
is a 3 mile long giant squid.

*The awards, like the course, are entirely fictional.

[Biggins]

Hole 1

Hotspur

A tough opener winds down towards the river Avon.  Keep to the right to give a better chance
of attacking the green.

During landscaping, the remains of a Roman quarry were found here.  The subsequent
archaeological dig lasted 3 years and amongst the artifacts found were tools, jewellery,
weapons and 30 feet wide titanium 'foot', believed to be part of a Roman version of
the AT-AT walker.

[Biggins]

Hole 2

Rosalind

Another tough hole.  Driver is rarely the best option off the tee here, unless you've
been pinging them at the range all morning.

See that gazebo off to the right on the approach to the green? That was where David Beckham
originally planned on marrying Victoria Beckham in a £300bn ceremony with over 150,000 VIP quests.
When Victoria discovered that the gazebo and the golf course it was situated in was fictional,
she hit the roof and nearly called the whole thing off.  To be honest, it was a relief as the
hotel only had 300 rooms and it can be a nightmare to get a taxi around here.

[Biggins]

Hole 3

Touchstone

A tough opener of the par threes. Par is a good score here so aim to the right of the green and allow
a two putt.

Tom Cruise nearly drowned during the landscaping phase as the ground was opened up to allow the small lake
to develop.  The lake is nearly three feet deep in the middle so it was well out of his depth.  If
it wasn't for the quick rescue effort by R2-D2 actor Kenny Baker, we could have lost him forever.
Katie Holmes grounded him for 2 months after that.

[Biggins]

Hole 4

Banquo

A drivable par four but this hole won't give away any eagles.  If the wind is blowing then it is sensible
to lay up.

I sketched this hole on the back of a beer mat during a pub quiz in the Dirty Duck and
handed it to Bill Cosby, who had til this point been very skeptical of the whole project.
He was on board from that moment onwards.  So it was a good night until got us disqualified
for checking Google for the answer during a tie breaker.  We had to walk home too as
someone had vandalised Barry Manilow's camper van, probably by a disgruntled competitor.

[Biggins]

Hole 5

Mercutio

A short par four which should leave a short iron over the Snitterfield to a well protected green.

[Biggins]

Hole 6

Yorick

A shortish par three which is more challenging than it looks.  Short shots will run away from the flag
and off the green.  Be positive and attack the middle of the green.

[Biggins]

Hole 7

Katharina

A tough par four which will usually leave a long iron to a well protected green unless you take
the brook on, leaving yourself a birdie chance.

See that bridge?  That was originally used in Beetlejuice that was. Tim Burton brought it with him for
a round last week and he left it in his locker.  Seemed a shame to let it go to waste so
we used it in place of the rock steps which used to be here.

[Biggins]

Hole 8

Petrucio

A 540 yard uphill par five.  If the wind isn't with you, then forget reaching this in two, boss.

Early sketches of the resort had this down as a dry ski slope.  Unfortunately, Cher vehemently
opposed the plan citing health and safety fears.  "She's obviously not been hit on the head with
a pro-V1." remarked Harvey Keitel at the time.

[Biggins]

Hole 9

Celia

A very long par four with an intimidating second shot.  Go long, or go home.

The fences around the bar area actually have ad boards on the inner side.  Biggins sells this
space periodically to different people.  Right now, Alienware have got most of the attention.

[Biggins]

Hole 10

Viola

A doglegged par four which rewards braver hitters but with bunkers which will swallow anything but
a screws pissballer.

The lake here is actually a reclaimed quarry.  Well, not really.  It's just a computer game after
all.  But it represents a quarry.

[Biggins]

Hole 11

Guiderius

A long par four to a receptive but busy green.  Don't be slack, Jack.

The flower bed at the right hand side of this fairway was planted by local superstar Ozzy Osbourne.

[Biggins]

Hole 12

Escalus

Another tough par 3 over another section of reclaimed quarry.  Be happy with a par here.

[Biggins]

Hole 13

Angelo

A reachable par five which rises away from the tee off area to a Georgian folly.  Keep the tee shot
to the left if you want an eagle opportunity.

Before the area was quarried, the Grand Union Canal was supplied from this section via the Avon.
The folly on the hill was built by holograms over a thousand years ago.

[Biggins]

Hole 14

Arviragus

Potentially the toughest tee shot on the course, if the wind is playing up.  Play safe, take the par.